The area where we fall the most becomes our strength. Recently in my healing routine, this is what I have found to be true. In life, the places I stumble on the most would be love, relationship and self understanding. Stumbling on love seems to be the old routine. Seek love, find love, hurt by love and loses love, this cycle seems to repeat itself time after time. Slowly, I begin to find it’s not really about the person I love, but it is myself. My fatal wounds that shows up when in a vulnerable place such as a serious relationship. It is nice to have love, but also another thing to fear losing love. Should I continue?
It is nice to have someone to share a common connection, but also another thing to feel betrayed and lost. This repeated pattern seems to find itself crawling back to my love patterns stories after stories. It was only when I saw my wounds and errors in how I connect with myself that I begin to see reality a little differently. The expectation of myself to be a desirable partner comes from deep uncertainty of self worth. When this self worth goes in a undervalued state, jealousy and comparison with others begins to pop up, creating an even bigger problem and leading to arguments. When self worth becomes a boasting nature, it is only to cover up the lack of self worth under all the glamourous ideal of how a partner should be. Frustration, miscommunication, and isolation grows stronger and stronger. Then comes the final part of separation. However, this is only the beginning.
Here is the next questions, do I find another partner? or is there a greater meaning behind all this? I thought I needed love, but actually I just needed to love myself even more. When I needed to be desirable, actually I just needed to embrace my own character. When I feel that I need to love someone else in order to be valuable, I feel the way out is to show, and heal others who may be going through the same cycles and begin healing of themselves. In a sense, healing brings freedom. Freedom out of the old cycles of control, manipulation, doing things without feeling really comfortable, and lack of self worth.
Healing of myself brings about a grander perspective and depth of who I am, and what I want. The more cleansing and healing, the more clear I become. With more clarity, self love and self worth, the more safe I feel to be open in a relationship. All the healed wounds becomes strength, and that strength somehow makes me more able to heal this area. This process becomes part of energy clearing and understanding of who I am beyond the surface.
Do you have a story or a cycle you have see yourself fallen under time after time? Share with us.